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【雅思作文修改】如何完成从6.5分到7.5分的逆袭

2018/05/3003:05来源:互联网  

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  雅思大作文原文6.5,经过新航道唐老师修改后7.5分,这里有原文、修改文在修改处对比,还有老师给的点评,让你更好的了解如何写好雅思作文,下面就和新航道小编一起来看看:雅思作文修改】如何完成从6.5分到7.5分的逆袭

  雅思大作文题目

  Some people regard the increasing business and cultural contact between counties as a positive development. Others, however, feel these leading to loss of national identities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

  有人认为国家之间商业文化的增加是积极的趋势,有人则认为这会导致一个国家失去其个性特征,讨论两种观点,给出你的意见。

  本期习作原文

  Whether you like it or not, we are globalizing quickly with ever-increasing business and cultural interactions between different countries. You may end up as a job travelling worldwide or having frequent conference calls with business partners from the other side of the Earth. Although some express their worries about the loss of national identities, I am deeply convinced that we could benefit more from the growing connections with other countries.

  On the one hand, transcultural communication helps us to inject new blood into our local cultures. A good example is that we start to celebrate Thanksgiving Day just as Americans do. Americans inherit this tradition as their ancestors set sail for this unknown land about four centuries ago at chances for a better life and they give thanks to the Native Americans’ first generosity at that time. We take this festival as a good time to give thanks for what we have, what we are now and all things surrounding us. The core tenet could be a guidance to lead us for an even brighter future.

  On the other hand, the business connections are instrumental in improving the local economy. Growing understanding of foreign markets motivate many multinational companies to branch in other countries to expand their business scope. This is important to the local economy as textbooks would tell us that it is conducive to attract foreign investment and also provide more employment opportunities. Besides, confronting the global issue, like disease control, environment protection and refugee crisis, we need to work as a united party. We could take advantage of the resources and technologies to optimize the outcome and it is essential for the whole world to work together.

  Undoubtedly, it carries a grant of truth that the increasing connections with other countries in business and cultures will lead to the loss of national identity. The primary reason is that the native traditions and customs will gradually fade out and even die out with more foreign elements introduced. For example, China government legalized the traditional festivals when Chinese were obsessed with Western holidays.

  It is safe to conclude that globalization has facilitated the cultural understanding and communication, and also has driven the local economy, but at the same time, we should not neglect the negative impact on our national identity.

  评分:6.5

  总评:内容丰富,词汇灵活,句型有变化(有个别小错和表达不准确的地方)。有些表达不够地道。但是,从总体上讲,这已经是一篇比较成功的雅思作文了。

  修改建议

  1修改小错误;

  2进一步增强句子灵活性,很多it is...that...的句型不见得一定要用,用就要用得准确。如果压缩小错误,适当增加灵活性,本篇作文就非常接近7分了。

  唐老师修改

  第1段:

  Whether you like it or not, we are globalizing quickly with ever-increasing business and cultural interactions between different countries. You may end up as a job travelling worldwide or having frequent conference calls with business partners from the other side of the Earth. Although some express their worries about the loss of national identities, I am deeply convinced that we could benefit more from the growing connections with other countries.

  修改:Like it or not, we are globalizing quickly with ever-increasing business and cultural interactions among different countries. You may end up doing a job that involves travelling worldwide or having frequent conference calls with business partners from the other side of the globe. Although some express their worries about the loss of national identities, I am deeply convinced that we could benefit more from the growing connections with other countries.

  点评:本段引入话题时比较具体,打破了模板限制,是值得赞的一种做法。作文开头办法很多,可以先描写现象/问题,也可以直接提出观点,根据题目实际情况来选择。注意克服划线部分的表达失误。

  end up...后面可以接多种成分,比如

  end up in prison...(介词短语);

  end up living in poverty(分词短语);

  end up homeless(形容词);

  end up with a failure(介词短语)

  第2段:

  On the one hand, transcultural communication helps us to inject new blood into our local cultures.A good example is that we start to celebrate Thanksgiving Day just as Americans do. Americans inherit this tradition as their ancestors set sail for this unknown land about four centuries ago at chances for a better life and they give thanks to the Native Americans’ first generosity at that time.We take this festival as a good time to give thanks for what we have, what we are now and all things surrounding us. The core tenet could be a guidance to lead us for an even brighter future.

  修改:On the one hand, transcultural communication helps to inject new elements into our local culture. A good example is that we start to celebrate Thanksgiving Day just as Americans do. Americans inherit this tradition as their ancestors set sail for the New World about four centuries ago for a better life and they gave thanks for the generosity the native Indians gave them. Now this festival is taken as an occasion for giving thanks for what we have, what we are now and all things surrounding us. Obviously, the core idea of Thanksgiving could enrich our own culture.

  点评:本段重点是跨文化交际可以丰富本地文化,通过举例来论证。原文的最后一句似乎脱离了这个主题,“指导我们奔向更好的前途”似乎不是本段主题,因此修改为“丰富了我们自己的文化”,这样才与本段第一句对应起来。语言清楚,没什么大错,个别地方做了小的调整。

  其中:give thanks to somebody for something,用成了give thanks to something,此类错误,很伤士气。此外,this unknown world 所指不明,美国当初的叫法是“The New World”。Give是时态错误,应该 gave。

  第3段:

  On the other hand, the business connections are instrumental in improving the local economy. Growing understanding of foreign markets motivate many multinational companies to branch in other countries to expand their business scope. This is important to the local economy as textbooks would tell us that it is conducive to attract foreign investment and also provide more employment opportunities. Besides, confronting the global issue, like disease control, environment protection and refugee crisis, we need to work as a united party. We could take advantage of the resources and technologies to optimize the outcome and it is essential for the whole world to work together.

  修改:

  On the other hand, the business connections are instrumental in improving the local economy. Growing understanding foreign markets motivates many multinational companies to branch in other countries to expand their business scope. As textbooks would tell us, this is conducive to attract foreign investment and provide more employment opportunities, thus improving the local economy. Besides, confronting the global issue, such as disease control, environment protection and refugee crisis, we need to work as a united world. With the entire world working together, we could take advantage of the resources and technologies to optimize the outcome.

  点评:

  本段讨论另外两个好处:经济和解决全球问题。很好的思路,表达也基本正确。

  改进之处:

  1. textbook一句,原文的顺序也行,但似乎有些费解,而且连续使用this is important...it is conducive...显得很拖沓,不够简练清晰。

  其实,提高本地经济是最终结果,吸引投资和提供就业机会是手段,因此商业交流有利于跨国公司来开分支机构导致的是投资和就业机会,然后再导致提高本体经济,这个顺序更顺一些。

  2. 最后一句再用 it is essential for us to work together 是前面一句的重复。前面已经说了我们需要团结起来,那么下一句就可以自然接下去:团结起来,我们就能够有效利用资源和技术来优化结果。修改文比原文更自然了。

  第4段:

  Undoubtedly, it carries a grant of truth that the increasing connections with other countries in business and cultures will lead to the loss of national identity. The primary reason is that the native traditions and customs will gradually fade out and even die out with more foreign elements introduced. For example, China government legalized the traditional festivals when Chinese were obsessed with Western holidays.

  修改:

  Undoubtedly, the increasing connections with other countries in business and cultures will, in many cases, lead to the loss of national identity. The primary reason is that the local traditions and customs may gradually fade out and even die out with more foreign elements introduced. For example, it is for fear that the traditions may be wiped out that Chinese government decides to celebrate some of Chinese traditional festivals as Chinese people are increasingly obsessed with Western holidays.

  点评:本段写劣势。

  1. 大的语言错误发生在那个词组a grant of truth,应为a grain of truth. 实际上,从简洁的角度,前面已经有了undoubtedly,后面就没有必要再说it is true that...了。

  2. 增加了in many cases,因为这里的语气过于绝对了,缓和一下语气。

  3. 最后的举例显得比较弱,请看修改文的增加。

  第5段:

  It is safe to conclude that globalization has facilitated the cultural understanding and communication, and also has driven the local economy, but at the same time, we should not neglect the negative impact on our national identity.

  修改:

  To conclude, while the globalization has facilitated the cultural understanding and communication, and driven the local economy, we should never neglect its potential negative impact on our national identity.

  点评:结论部分意思没有问题,但是显得有些拖沓,文字不简洁。而且it is safe to conclude...有模板的痕迹,建议不用。

  修改后全文

  Like it or not, we are globalizing quickly with ever-increasing business and cultural interactions among different countries. You may end up doing a job that involves travelling worldwide or having frequent conference calls with business partners from the other side of the globe. Although some express their worries about the loss of national identities, I am deeply convinced that we could benefit more from the growing connections with other countries.

  On the one hand, transcultural communication helps to inject new elements into our local culture. A good example is that we start to celebrate Thanksgiving Day just as Americans do. Americans inherit this tradition as their ancestors set sail for the New World about four centuries ago for a better life and they gave thanks for the generosity the native Indians gave them. Now this festival is taken as an occasion for giving thanks for what we have, what we are now and all things surrounding us. Obviously, the core idea of Thanksgiving could enrich our own culture.

  On the other hand, the business connections are instrumental in improving the local economy. Growing understanding foreign markets motivates many multinational companies to branch in other countries to expand their business scope. As textbooks would tell us, this is conducive to attract foreign investment and provide more employment opportunities, thus improving the local economy. Besides, confronting the global issue, such as disease control, environment protection and refugee crisis, we need to work as a united world. With the entire world working together, we could take advantage of the resources and technologies to optimize the outcome.

  Undoubtedly, the increasing connections with other countries in business and cultures will, in many cases, lead to the loss of national identity. The primary reason is that the local traditions and customs may gradually fade out and even die out with more foreign elements introduced. For example, it is for fear that the traditions may be wiped out that Chinese government decides to celebrate some of Chinese traditional festivals as Chinese people are increasingly obsessed with Western holidays.

  To conclude, while the globalization has facilitated the cultural understanding and communication, and driven the local economy, we should never neglect its potential negative impact on our national identity.

  修改后文章评分:7.5

  作者:唐伟胜,新航道特约雅思学术顾问,广东外语外贸大学教授、博士,中国知名英语教育专家

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