今天，我们再次以一篇学生的雅思大作文习作的批改拆解雅思大作文的展开过程。

　　在这个过程中，我们要注意TR、CC以及文中的两个长句(斜体标出)。

　　雅思大作文题目

　　Many parents today do not spend enough time with their children.

　　What are the causes of this phenomenon?

　　What can be done to change the situation?

　　* 黑色部分为学生习作，橘色部分为老师批改!

　　It is common nowadays to find the parents missing in the life of their children, leaving their responsibilities to the grandparents. Parents’ absence in their children’s lives is a commonplace nowadays. There are a couple of reasons behind this phenomenon, but and the situation can still be improved.

　　Parents may work too hard to be companions of their children. [总述一句：“忙工作”是原因] It has become is a frequently heard complaint that parents cannot afford to raising the kids children. As the awareness of the importance of proper education raised among the public, increasing sums of money are given out by parents in order to make sure that their offspring can have an advantage in the competition with their peers. [这个部分在讲为什么“工作忙”，而不是在讲为什么“不陪伴”，会被判定为“irrelevant information”，所以会丢TR分。] Those busy parents are either under the financial pressure or workaholics. [busy parents对应上文的work too hard，内容上的呼应是一种好的CC。] [至于“为什么工作忙”不需要说明。] Most of their time spent on earning better salaries or achieving professional goals, [状语部分的内容对应了上一句的either under the financial pressure or workaholics，于是搭建了好的CC。] parents hardly have time to provide company for their children. Another reason may be that some parents need to take a break and thus deliberately spend no time on taking care of their children. [然后顺延解释一些细节，说说具体怎么会需要take a breath，从“是什么”到“为什么”，也是CC的搭建过程。] Since children can be annoying and consume much of their parents’ energy, parents find legitimate excuses to avoid their children in order for themselves to have a life. Such pressure forces the parents to work overtime or even leave their hometown and family for a higher salary, not giving them even the chances to sit down and chat with their children. With more and more mothers no longer playing the role of housewife and instead joining the workforce, [原因在状语部分说明了。] children are losing the only parent who may be their company. [这句话就把下面一整个段落的内容浓缩在一句话里说明白了。这样的行文不拖沓。]

　　Besides, the idea of gender equality has made a contribution as well. More and more females leave their flats to work like their male counterparts do to become economically independent, instead of being the belongings of their husbands. It is hard to ask parents returning after a day’s work to still spend as much time playing with or read for their children as before. [行文拖沓了，内容的进展慢了，doesn’t respond to the topic efficiently。参见上一段的最后一句。]

　　To change the situation, governmental intervention is needed. [层层展开，越来越具体和详细，也是好的CC。也就是说，往后把governmental intervention细化。]Governments Legislators may introduce some policies or laws that is favorable to employees who are parents. Those employees should be given enough time to spend with their children instead of being required to work overtime or during weekends by their employers. Meanwhile, governments also provide financial aids for enterprises under such policies to partly compensate for their possible loss of profits. may subsidize those employers, giving them compensation, to ensure theimplementation of the policies. Also, it is reasonable to give an allowance to one of the parents of a child to spare the father or mother from work so that the child can be attended and accompanied by at least one parent. [参照上一段的最后一句。补充性的内容一句话说完，加快行文的节奏，避免弯弯绕和拖沓。]

　　In conclusion, although many parents fail to share their precious time with their children because of the pressure on them for a number of reasons, some of which make sense and some of which do not, governments administrations can make a difference for them. The administrative power and funds should both be used.

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