The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.

　　Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

　　但光有“龙头”不行，

　　学生在具体信息的表述上又回到了原点，

　　比如：

　　The water use of agriculture in North America and Europe is 39% and 33%, and the water use of industry is 48% and 53% in North America and Europe. But the water use of industry is lower in other areas, 10% in South America, 7% in Africa, 5% in Central Asia and 12% in South East Asia.

　　这个句子主要有三大问题：

　　1. 数据机械罗列，拉低TA分数

　　2. 句间衔接生硬，CC分数吃亏

　　3. 主语未作替换，句式结构单一

　　另外还有一些小的语法错误

　　教师修改后如下：

　　While the water uses of agriculture in North America and Europe are 39% and 33% separately, roughly a half of respective water consumption in these two areas can be found in the industrial sector. On the contrary, the figures in other areas are limited, ranging from 12% (South East Asia) to 5% (Central Asia).

　　Ø 写小作文要想不机械，提醒自己不要忘记题目当中的make comparisons, “让步”(while)也是一种比较，因此我们可以把北美地区和欧洲地区不同类别的用水占比进行对比。

　　Ø 句间要有指代，要有同义替换，不要觉得these简单就不去用，这是CC的采分点。

　　Ø 主语同样可以替换，不要总是写water use，数据“figure”，甚至具体的量“a half”也可以拿出来作主语，丰富表达。

　　Ø 海量数据，可以划区间综合表述，cohesion。