北京新航道

托福热点:
2017年托福考试时间表
新航道咨询热线

您当前的位置 » 北京新航道 » 托福 » 托福写作 » 文章正文

托福作文学习:在大学课余时间做什么好

2017-07-18 14:54     供稿单位: 新航道     责编:新航道小编    浏览 0

摘要:   托福作文学习:在大学课余时间做什么好?帮助小公司做产品促销?帮助梳理交通?还是帮大公司收集数据?

  托福作文学习:在大学课余时间做什么好?帮助小公司做产品促销?帮助梳理交通?还是帮大公司收集数据?

  No one can deny that clubs play an important role in college students' life, because they can add color to students' hectic school life and help them learn some important skills, which can bring a lot of benefits to them. Nowadays, some people are talking about three club activity options, which are helping small businesses to promote their products, helping police to deal with the traffic jam and helping huge companies to collect data. Personally, I prefer the third one.

  段落1:修改建议

  无

  段落点评

  可以可以开头很棒~

  To consider roughly, assisting small businesses to improve their products can help students enhance their professional skills, which is good for their future career. However, this kind of jobs are very complicated andsophisticated, so it is too hard to students. Also, helping transport police to solve the traffic congestion will reduce the traffic accident risks and improve people's life quality, but students will spend a lot of precious time on that and without learn any related knowledge with their major. Therefore, collecting data for big companies may be the best choice above them all.

  段落2:修改建议

  1. 修改建议 sophisticated 这里其实没有说明原因呢,为什么复杂?准备资料?了解产品?和客户打交道?自己试用?最好说一下, 不然这个逻辑并不完整

  2. 修改建议 learn any related knowledge with their major 这个理由也不合理,做其它的事情也会占用时间,我上课讲过一定要写它所特有的,比如这种地方空气不好会影响学生身体健康

  段落点评

  注意两个反驳的点都不是很好

  First, helping big companies to collect data has a variety of benefits to college students. It can improve students' different faced of ability and is a remarkable experience in their resume. For the ability improving, working in a big company not only help students gain a better understand about their professional knowledge, but also enhance important social skills, like communicating skill. When working in a big company, students must get along with a great number of colleagues and cooperate with them. For example, last semester, I worked in a huge internet company of my hometown called Huawei. I had gotten used to work alone, because my professor always asked for independent assignment. Therefore, working in Huawei was the first time I took part in teamwork. Through this experience, I learned how to get alone with teammates, how to help each other when doing a project and how to be patient. For resume, having an internship in a big company can help students to perform better in findings jobs. A nice experience will give a deep impression to HR, so they may prefer to give jobs to the outstanding students. In today's high-unemployment society, it is a good opportunity for students to win in the severe peer competition. Thus I think collecting data for huge companies has big beneficial for students.

  段落3:修改建议

  1. 单复数 ability 此处有 单复数 错误

  2. 替换 understand 这部分内容 可以替换为:understanding

  段落点评

  这段算是用了活生生大力,但是问题来了,除了开头和结尾,中间的部分基本没有体现出收集数据这个工作内容本身,你可以写:

  I joined a club which has many connections with big companies to help them with different works. For my chance, I was sent to Huawei after the joining in the club for grabbing human face data from the Internet for its big project to do face verification research....When working, I need to .... with colleagues..., which helped me to improve my communicating skill...

  总之,虽然本段的重点是写去大公司工作对学生的好处,但是最好还是有涉及工作内容是收集数据,这样才确保不会跑题

  Furthermore, because of development of the internet technique, data collecting becomes more and more important for big companies. They have to analysis a lot of data to find out what tend to be popular in future and what their customers really need. Recently, a new released survey in Japan, 87 percent of companiessaid data collecting was one of their most important daily work and 45 percent of companies hired experts to help them collecting and analyzing data. Jack Ma, one of the most famous entrepreneurs in China once said in his speech:" The secret of my success is data. in the big data age, no one can ignore the power of data. By analyzing those innumerable numbers, I can know what trouble I will meet, what my customer really wantedand even what their request in 10 years, so I can prepare for that much early than other competitors. That is why I could survive from the serious internet competitions." Obviously, data collecting is crucial for big companies' business running.

  段落4:修改建议

  1. 替换 analysis 这部分内容 可以替换为:analyze

  2. 替换 tend 这部分内容 可以替换为:trend

  3. 后添加 Japan 后面 可以添加:shows that

  4. 修改建议 said 这部分内容 可以替换为:claimed

  5. 单复数 customer 此处有 单复数 错误

  6. 修改建议 wanted want

  7. 替换 what their request in 10 years 这部分内容 可以替换为:what possibly they would be interested in after this decade

  8. 替换 early 这部分内容 可以替换为:earlier

  段落点评

  本段跟上一段也是同样的问题。。。只是写收集数据对公司的意义,但是没有结合学生来写,本段其实可以用列举法,说不同的数据对不同公司的作用,比如研究药物的需要药物反应数据,研究手机的需要手机使用习惯数据等等。。。有了这些数据更好的帮助公司。

  To sum up, helping big companies to collect data is the best club activities for college students, because it is good for students' social skills and a nice experience in resume, which is beneficial for students' future career. Also data collecting is vital to most big companies, they need good students can give a hand to that. Both of them will get merits from this club activity.

  段落5:修改建议

  1. 替换 the best club activities 这部分内容 可以替换为:a more appropriate choice as a club member

  总评:本身架构没有问题,但是就是具体的段落展开,又犯了我课上不断重复重复在重复的问题,有细节,但是细节不紧扣主题,记着本题的几个重要点:学生,大公司,收集数据,然后围绕他们来写。另外这次的小语法问题量又比上次多了一些尤其是第二个主体段

相关阅读: