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李老师:雅思写作中考官范文真的都那么完美无缺吗

2017/11/0802:34来源:互联网  

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  作者:李老师,北京新航道学校主讲名师,主要教授雅思写作等课程。持有国家口译二级证书、剑桥商务英语高级证书,曾获CCTV全国希望之星英语演讲比赛天津赛区一等奖。致力于留学考试研究多年,严谨、认真、务实,拥有5年以上留学考试教学、教研经验,英语功底深厚,深谙考官出题技巧,拥有整套针对不同水平学员的提分体系。崇尚终身教育与自身学习并行的理念,不断探索学员分数与能力提升并行的方法。善于引导学生由“被动输入”转化为“主动输出”,通过优化学生思维,突破瓶颈,有的放矢对学生进行指导,实现在短时间内分数和能力的双提升,培养出大量优秀学员。

  雅思写作中考官范文真的都那么完美无缺吗?众所周知,剑桥雅思真题集上面的考官范文被广大考生甚至老师们奉为“最具参考价值”的文章,甚至有人认定那就是满分文章,其实这是给人们的一种错觉,即便原版书籍上所用的字眼也丝毫未提“满分”的概念,所以到后来大家看到的剑11和剑12干脆考官都不愿给出“标答”了,背后原因我们无从知晓。即便如此,那些现有的范文扔被江湖上各路人士争相模仿,有些同行干脆直接copy给同学让其背诵,但是所谓“神文”真的都那么完美无缺吗?直接让同学背诵真的那么有效吗?答案是否定的,或者说即便是外国人写的,有些字句还是值得我们商榷和探讨,甚至说是可以在原有基础上得到提升,这里我举出一例小作文,供大家茶余饭后品鉴。

  题目:

  The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

  

 

  【考官范文】:

  The graph shows the increase in the ageing population in Japan, Sweden and the USA. It indicates that the percentage of elderly people in all three countries is expected to increase to almost 25% of the respective populations by the year 2040.

  In 1940 the proportion of people aged 65 or more stood at only 5% in Japan, approximately 7% in Sweden and 9% in the US. However, while the figures for the Western countries grew to about 15% in around 1990, the figure for Japan dipped to only 2.5% for much of this period, before rising to almost 5% again at the present time.

  In spite of some fluctuation in the expected percentages, the proportion of older people will probably continue to increase in the next two decades in the three countries. A more dramatic rise is predicted between 2030 and 2040 in Japan, by which time it is thought that the proportion of elderly people will be similar in the three countries.

  The graph shows the increase in the ageing population in Japan, Sweden and the USA. It indicates that the percentage of elderly people in all three countries is expected to increase to almost 25% of the respective populations by the year 2040.

  The graph shows the increase in the ageing[Br.] population in Japan, Sweden and the USA. What is worth mentioning is that the percentage of elderly people in all three countries is expected to increase to an average of about 25% of the respective populations by the year 2040.

  【解析】:

  

 

  考官在首段中除了改写转述题目以外,还附上了三个国家的老龄化人口比例在2040预计达到的数值,然而考官直接说三者皆是almost 25%,这里就容易造成一种三者几乎相同的错觉,但是从图中我们可以看出三者还是有一定差距的,差距基本是一个纵向统计单位的一半(各差2.5%),所以这种情况我们就可以放心大胆地使用“平均值法”进行表述了,我这里添加了表达“an average of”。(注:平均值法一半适用于“呈等差数列分布并相对接近”的数据或者“接近某一整数单位且变化幅度较小”的数据)

  另外,我把“It indicates that”替换成了考生们更青睐的“What is worth mentioning is that……”,为啥说“更青睐”?因为除了字数多、语法结构稍显复杂以外,关键是可模仿性还强啊。

  In 1940 the proportion of people aged 65 or more stood at only 5% in Japan, approximately 7% in Sweden and 9% in the US. However, while the figures for the Western countries grew to about 15% in around 1990, the figure for Japan dipped to only 2.5% for much of this period, before rising to almost 5% again at the present time.

  In 1940 the proportion of people aged 65 or more stood at only 5% in Japan, approximately 7% in Sweden and 9% in the US. However, the figures for the Western countries grew to about 15% in around 1985, while the figure for Japan dipped to only 2.5% in 1960 and maintained at this figure for almost 25 years, before rising to its original value again in around 2005.

  【解析】:

  

 

  考官在说Sweden和USA这两个西方国家在1990年左右达到了大约15%,而从图中实际观测结果来看,应该是1985年左右,这里我做了一个订正。另外我把while的位置从句首挪到了句中,这样更符合中国同学“句中转折”的思维,更具模仿性,不然很多同学想着写而最后又遗漏了,这里面“while”的意思表“转折”、“对比,对照”,是考官们经常用的一个连接词。

  另外考官在描述Japan下降到2.5%的时候,并没有说明其时间点,我在这里进行了补充,而后考官又貌似忽略一个保持平稳的问题,纵观全图,出现平稳的情节不多,这里作为数据特征着实还是写出为好,尤其是鉴于现在仍有很多考生在实际写作过程中写不够字数的情况,所以借此希望培养同学们细心观察数据特征的能力,另能让同学熟知一些重点词汇如maintain。

  最后,我把考官“升回5%”的英文表达做了升级,用到了“its original value”,这样一来可以避免重复使用相同数据。另外本段结尾 “at the present time”是基于考官写作时所截止的时间,放在现在来看显然失去了时效性,这里同学如果机械背诵的话容易摸不到头绪,一头雾水。

  In spite of some fluctuation in the expected percentages, the proportion of older people will probably continue to increase in the next two decades in the three countries. A more dramatic rise is predicted between 2030 and 2040 in Japan, by which time it is thought that the proportion of elderly people will be similar in the three countries.

  In spite of some fluctuation after 1985, the proportions of older people in USA and Sweden both witness an upward trend. As for the proportion of elderly people in Japan, it will experience a gradual rise to 10% in 2030 before rocketing to about 27.5% of its population in 2040, by which time it is thought that the proportion of elderly people will be similar in the three countries.

  【解析】:

  

 

  最后一段的我做的改动最大,主要是考官在谈及“预测数据”时稍显一概而论,首先需要明确是在1985年后,能称得上“有些波动的”应该只有Sweden和Japan,所以我将Japan和其他两个国家分开描述,这点和考官后面单说Japan也不矛盾,而且显得更清晰。另外在考官描述Japan时并没有提到“剧烈上升”前还有一段不那么剧烈的上升,我这里用“before”无缝衔接了两种“区别化上升”,可以说描述得更加彻底,能找出“破绽”的几率进一步缩小了。注意所添加的词汇,例如experience、rocket的用法。

  【结语】:

  总体来看,我在考官范文上做的改动还是比较多的,目的就是在保留原文“精华”的同时,更方便同学们背诵和记忆,如果不假思索地翻看和照搬,其效果应该是差强人意的,所以我们如果能将这些宝贵的材料为我们所用,那么就会事半功倍,短时间内实现巨大突破。

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